


i am home.

by ashsdream



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Couch Cuddles, Cute Ash Lynx, Cute Okumura Eiji, Dorks in Love, Feelings Realization, Fix-It, Gentle Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentioned Shorter Wong, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Requited Love, Soulmates, ash lynx centric, face kissing, i just love ash and eiji a lot and want them to be happy, okumura eiji gives him one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:27:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashsdream/pseuds/ashsdream
Summary: ash realizes that maybe he feels something stronger than friendship for eiji. he decides to do something about it.basically a get together / fix-it fic because i am still bitter.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 10
Kudos: 177





	i am home.

**Author's Note:**

> lowercase is intended
> 
> the implied / referenced abuse is very minor
> 
> i tried to edit it myself, but i could’ve missed some things, so sorry about that!

ash has never been one to deal with his feelings. ever since he was a little boy, he would stuff his emotions in a box and tuck them away in the depths of his mind. the contents only ever spilling out when he’s sleeping or when he’s alone. it isn’t as though he doesn’t want to talk about them or address them, it’s that he mentally can’t bring himself to. it seems every time he expresses his feelings, they end up causing himself or someone he loves suffering, or even both.

a lot of times since he’s left cape cod, ash has had to force his feelings away in order to survive. there were countless times that he can remember where he wanted nothing more than to break down in sobs and hold himself close, not returning to his real life for days. but, with ash's old lifestyle, that was simply not an option. no matter what sort of grievances you were feeling, you had to persevere.

regardless, ash is safe now. he is in japan with eiji, all dangers left behind in new york. he has the opportunity to slow down and take his time with his thoughts, truly expressing whichever emotions he wants to. but despite how much he’d wished for freedom his entire life, he finds it hard to adapt to. he continues to bury his feelings in the corner of his mind until they all mix together in an indistinguishable knot, sinking and then resting just atop his heart and weighing heavy when he thinks about it too much.

but with time comes healing, and time and time he’s had. ash finds that his feelings are slowly starting to untangle themselves and present their selves to his mind for it to determine what exactly they are and what comes with them. but identifying them is hard. even recognizing that he is experiencing these feelings is a feat in of itself. before, ash would be moving so fast that he wouldn't even have time to recognize whichever emotion he felt before it was shoved in the box and locked away until he was isolated. now, as they unravel, he is starting to recognize these feelings individually, whether he quite understands them or not. 

and this is how ash finds himself in quite the predicament as he lies in the bed next to eiji's. he watches the japanese boy's peaceful face as he slowly inhales and exhales with a delighted expression. ash decides that he's having a wonderful dream and it makes him happy. real life is bad enough, he’s glad it doesn’t always haunt eiji in his dreams like it does so much for ash.

ash senses warmth blooming in his stomach, his heart feeling like someone lit it with a match and stood back to watch it burn. a black strand of hair falls forward and lands just across eiji's closed eye, and ash has to resist a strong urge to reach out and tuck it behind the dreamer's ear. as ash watches the steady rise and fall of eiji's chest, his brain can only supply him with the words ' _safe_ ' and ' _home_ '. ash welcomes these words, they feel accurate. and as ash curls up into his blanket to protect himself from the cold, a strange desire for it to be eiji's arms wrapped around him rather than the silky material makes it's way to the forefront of his mind. ash is slightly bewildered, but he pushes past this urge to put some more thought into what he feels.

he thinks about eiji, and about what he knows about what he feels for the older. ash soon realizes that he isn't exactly sure what word he would use to describe what he feels for eiji. he knows a few things:

-he would do anything to protect eiji,

-he wants nothing more than to make eiji safe and happy,

-eiji makes him feel like he’s home no matter where he is,

-eiji is a pretty sleeper,

-his stomach feels tingly whenever eiji gives him a soft smile or says his name,

-he feels comfortable enough to open up to eiji,

-he wants to share everything with eiji,

-and, despite everything he’s been through, he craves eiji’s hand on top of his own, or set in his hair, lightly petting him.

ash considers these facts for a moment and decides that this is a big list and there’s much to unpack. the thought scares him. but, as he looks over to see eiji curl a small fist up against his chin and squish his face into his pillow even more before letting out a big sigh, ash wants to embrace these thoughts that he once would’ve hidden away forever. 

ash allows himself to just _feel_ for eiji. he isn’t an idiot, with an iq of over 180 it’d be hard to consider him one. he knows that what he feels for eiji isn’t exactly normal. he’s never felt this way about anyone before in his life. and, yes, there was a chance that eiji was just his best friend and all of these feelings were a result of that. but ash has had best friends before, his heart gives a pang at the thought of shorter, and he’s never felt anything this strongly toward them.

ash supposes he’s never really experienced love before. at least, not romantically. there was a girl he liked, when he was much younger, but he was so naive and he didnt talk to her the way he talked to eiji. upon further reflection, ash guesses it was just infatuation. ash could tell eiji anything that he thought or felt, and despite whatever it was, eiji would still stay by his side. there were so many times where ash would explain something intricate and eiji would look at him like he'd painted the stars across the galaxy and hand-carved the planets from clay. ash can never focus when eiji looks at him like that. it makes him feel as though maybe he is worth something, maybe he isn’t the monster he and so many others paint him out to be. 

the way he feels toward eiji is so different to anything he’s ever felt before. the feelings are so striking, so overwhelming, that sometimes ash finds it difficult to breathe whenever he dwells on them for too long. ash isn’t an idiot, but it does take him a lot longer than it should’ve to realize that these feelings he felt toward eiji, the ones that drove him crazy on most days and made his heart flutter faster than a hummingbirds wings, are love. he loves eiji. he more than loves eiji. ash has never had to deal with something so strong before, and if you would’ve asked him a year ago if he ever thought he would fall in love with someone, he wouldve scoffed and shut you down with a strong denial. but ash wants, he implores, these feelings now, and he realizes that he doesn’t know the best course of action here. 

ash is a very analytical person, always thinking of every possible outcome and not letting his heart get in the way of most choices. but now this matter depends on him using his heart overtop of his brain, and he isn’t quite sure how to do that. ash has never liked pinning his feelings on others, forcing them to listen and carry his burdens along with their own. he isn’t one to ask for help unless he desperately needs it. and when it comes to his upcoming actions toward eiji, he supposes he’s desperate enough.

ash walks to his computer and calls the first person he can think of to help him, max. the latter’s jovial face appears on the screen a few moments later, a few tall bookshelves in his background indicating that he is in his home office. 

ash doesn’t blush. he does not get embarrassed. he’s been through far too many shameful moments in his life to feel something so trivial. or, at least, that’s what he’d thought. but as he sits there in his computer chair and tries to explain the conflict he’s facing, he feels his face heat up so much that it spreads to his ears and neck. luckily for him, max doesn’t point it out or make fun, he just offers a fond smile that seems so fatherly to ash it almost makes him forget that max isn’t his real dad. max listens with patient ears as ash rambles on and on about why exactly he thinks he might feel something more than friendship for eiji before he stops himself and remembers why he had called max. 

"what do you think i should do?"

max frowns, not from unhappiness, it’s just something he does when hes deep in thought. ash supposes this might be a rather big question to spring upon someone.

"i think you should tell him."

worry sinks into ash, making his throat tighten slightly. a fear ash hadn’t even known he had fogs his brain. ash wouldn’t say he’s frightened of anything besides pumpkins. he always took things as they came and is never downright scared. but, at that moment, as he thinks about eiji's reaction to him confessing, a fear presents itself to ash. a fear of rejection. a fear that eiji won’t feel the same and things will never go back to normal between the two. 

"what if he doesnt reciprocate?"

max scoffs at this, and ash draws back a bit, slightly offended at the noise. he doesn’t understand what is quite so ridiculous about what he had asked. he is about to make a snarky comment, but then max speaks up. 

"ash, you see yourself through a warped perspective. you focus on the worst things you’ve ever done, all the bad words you’ve had thrown at you— you can only understand someones feelings toward you when theyre negative.

eiji has... eiji has held a certain fondness for you since the day that you met. you can see it in his eyes, his body language. i don’t want to say that he loves you, that’s something he needs to tell you himself, but there is definitely... a strong care for you inside eiji.

when i watch you guys from a distance, i see things that maybe you dont up close. eiji tends to gravitate toward you, and whenever he's around you, he just radiates this aura of contentment, of joy. ive seen the way he looks at you, and i don’t know if i’ve ever seen someone look at another human being with such unwavering adoration, such fierce care. eiji thinks the world of you, even when you feel the worst about yourself. you can see it in the glances he casts in your direction when he thinks nobody is watching, in the soft touches that he limits to you and you only, and in the way that he smiles when its just the two of you. 

its something remarkable, truly, the bond that you two share. its almost more than love, and whether you see it or not, it definitely goes both ways. anyone that could watch you two together for more than a day would be able to see that you guys are soulmates."

ash is beyond shocked at the information he’s just recieved. he supposes it’s good to get a third party’s opinion in a matter like this. sometimes it takes a new set of eyes to truly put things into perspective.

"hey, you're pretty good at this. have you ever considered writing romance novels instead of those shitty war pieces?"

ash teases with an eyebrow cocked and a light smirk. max's expression turns from gentleness to mock offense in a matter of seconds, now used to ash's sense of humor. 

"you know, maybe i will! i’m sure it would be better than anything you could come up with, mr. mensa."

max teases right back and ash carries on the banter for a little bit before his brain reminds him that its time to go. with his sudden boost of confidence from max's observations, he hangs up the phone with a murmur of gratitude before he decides on how hes going to tell eiji. 

it’s not until dinnertime that ash decides to drop the revelation. they had both just finished their meal, and eiji is currently rambling on about some reality tv show he has just started. ash is pretending to listen as he focuses instead on how cute eiji is when he’s excited about sharing something he is interested in. his eyes light up and his smile never leaves his face, hands animatedly moving about as he talks. it’s so adorable that ash just can’t seem to follow anything that the older boy is saying.

"eiji?'

ash speaks up as eiji pauses, not wanting to interrupt him in the middle of a sentence.

"sorry, am i talking too much?'

eiji looks at him, nose scrunched and eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly as he awaits an answer.

"huh? no, not at all."

eijis smile returns, and his eyebrows revert to their natural position.

"i just wanted to tell you something."

"what is it?"

"i..."

ash’s confidence falters, but eiji reaches his hand across the table to grab ash's own as a signal of reassurance, and ash feels his heart melt.

'this is eiji,' his brain reminds him. 'he won’t do anything to hurt you, he won’t judge you.'

"i really, _really_ like you."

ash wants to avoid outright saying that he is in love with eiji, scared that even if eiji does feel something for him, ash confessing feelings that strong might scare him away.

"i really like you, ash."

eiji gives him a smile so soft with eyes squinted so small they’re nearly closed before he continues on with whatever he was going to say before ash spoke up.

"eiji,"

eiji stops talking again.

"that’s not what i meant."

eiji is visibly confused now, apparently unaware that ash could've meant anything else with his declaration.

"i like you, like, more than a friend."

ash cringes at his own words, feeling like he sounds like a middle schooler before he takes in eiji’s reaction. his eyebrows raise in surprise, and his mouth forms an 'o' shape as he recognizes what ash is getting at. ash finds himself averting his gaze now, looking across the room, scared that eiji's expression will morph into a much more sour one. eiji clears his throat.

"i like you too, ash. more than a friend."

ash's head snaps toward eiji, his own mouth opening slightly. he closes it quickly to feign nonchalance. from eiji's loving look, ash feels like he wasn’t successful in his attempt. now its ash’s turn to clear his throat, and an awkward yet somehow comforting silence falls upon the duo. suddenly, ash has the urge to cry. he hadn’t noticed how much this has been weighing on him until he expressed it, and now his heart feels so much lighter, and yet so full at the same time. not to mention the fact that this was the first time anyone had expressed feelings like this toward ash in a non predatory way. ash begins to sob.

eiji rushes over to him and places his arms loosely around his shoulders and neck, and ash presses his forehead into eiji's abdomen, letting his tears fall without restraint.

"it is okay ash, i have you."

ash feels so safe at this moment, and eiji lets go, sitting down on ash's thighs so his face is almost at the same level as ash's. ash looks into his eyes, tears having stopped but feelings still running rampant. eiji takes the pads of his thumb and wipes away the tear tracks. it's him who decides to take the first step this time.

"can i kiss you?

eiji asks, so kindly, so softly, and ash has never had someone ask for his permission before and suddenly his vision is foggy again.

"yes."

his reply is almost unintelligible, voice so quiet he can barely hear it leave his own mouth. but eiji hears and eiji listens, leaning forward to place a short, gentle kiss upon ash's lips. ash doesnt think hes ever been touched so delicately in this way, like he matters, like this is about making him feel good and cared for. the tears that threatened to fall again before the kiss finally spill over his eyelids. eiji smiles and wipes them away again, and ash leans forward and kisses eiji a little harder, a little longer. a smile makes its way to his lips.

ash had never desired physical contact with someone in this way, but he found that all he wanted to do in that moment was to kiss eiji and never stop. he wanted to place light kisses on every inch of his face and make him know how much he means to ash. eiji just holds ashs jaw in his hand with feather-light fingers, thumb tracing shapes into his soft skin. it only takes a few more moments of looking into eiji's bright eyes for ash to do exactly what hed just desired.

he leans forward and places kisses all over eijis face, on his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his chin, his jaw, and then he kisses eijis lips again and eiji pulls back with a giggle. ash cant stop himself from giggling along. their delighted laughs and shining eyes making them resemble two little kids who had received a puppy for christmas.

eiji uses delicate fingertips to trace over all of the features on ash's face, all of the scars, all of the sharp edges, and then all of the veins in his neck, his collarbones, as if trying to memorize them like a map, sending chills down his whole body. the gentle touch and content expression made ash wonder if eiji had wanted to do this for a while, but didnt want to make ash uncomfortable before. ash pecks his lips.

"do you want to watch a movie?"

ash asks in a low whisper, scared anything louder would shatter everything they had. eiji nods, the corners of his lips twitching with the threat of a smile as he stands up. ash smiles at him and eiji reciprocates, and they make their way over to the couch. while they would normally sit on opposite ends with separate blankets, eiji plops down right beside of ash and covers them with a single blanket. the abundance of touch is somewhat overwhelming to ash, but its so intoxicating. ash scoots closer and places a hand on eiji's thigh as he watches him flip through movie suggestions.

they settle on a cheesy 80's rom-com, just wanting to enjoy each others company. eiji rests his head in the crook of ash's shoulder and neck, and ash places his own face atop of eijis hair. less than halfway through the movie, they both drift off, feeling the safest and happiest they had felt in a long time in each others arms. 


End file.
